The day is seared into my memory because it was both wonderful and challenging. I was on the golf course as a guest at one of the premier country clubs in St. Louis. As one who loves golf, that was very special and to top it off, through 9 holes I was playing very good golf. I was happy, until my cell phone rang. It was Kathy, the person I technically reported to, but it was all fuzzy because we were in the middle of a merger and my reporting relationship was changing to corporate, not local. I’m sure that’s as clear to you as it was to me. There was steam coming through the phone and this was a one-sided conversation. The heart of the issue was I had shared information with corporate, without her first seeing the data. To me it was simple, they asked and the numbers I shared weren’t something you could change to paint a different picture. It was clear I was on “thin ice”, and you know what they say, “when on thin ice, don’t stomp your feet.” I apologized and we ended the call. The next golf hole was not good as I kept thinking about the call and realized I needed to make repairs with her. I apologized to my hosts and the other guest but said I needed to go back to the office. I drove back and immediately went to see Kathy, and we had a tense conversation, where I again apologized for not sharing it with her, listened to her tell me why I should have and promised to do so in the future. We ended the day in a better place, yet probably not a perfect place.
I will admit I’ve had times when I didn’t notice how thin the ice was and pushed back or stomped my feet when I shouldn’t. I’ve learned that it rarely helps a situation.
On several occasions I’ve had to repair relationships.
There are two factors that are critical in responding when you are on thin ice, let me help you so that if you are ever on thin ice, you won’t stomp your feet.
Know you are on thin ice – While this seems obvious, I’m amazed at how many people miss this. My observation is that today, we have too much reliance on impersonal communication, i.e., texting, e-mailing, zoom and social media posting instead of face-to-face interactions. The result is a collective lack of social intelligence. People have lost the ability to read other people. I wish I had learned earlier in life that sometimes it doesn’t matter if you are right or not. (My wife wishes I had learned it too.) You can be right and still hurt someone, which can put you on thin ice. Watch facial expressions of the other person, you should be able to tell if they are aggravated. Also listen for voice tone (in the story above I heard loud and clear), because it’s not hard to tell that someone is unhappy with you if you truly listen.
Be willing to do a “mea culpa” – If you’ve never heard the phrase before it’s a Latin phrase that simply means “my fault” or “my mistake”. This step is even harder than realizing you’re on thin ice because no one wants to admit it’s their fault. The most common defense is intention, in other words, I didn’t intend for you to be hurt by what I said or did. The other defense is, “but I’m right and they are wrong.” You may not have intended to hurt someone or do something wrong, and you indeed might be correct, but it doesn’t matter. In relationships, you must be willing to say, “I’m sorry” in a way that is sincere. The best example of an insincere one is when one of my grandchildren hurts their sibling and they’re told to say, “I’m sorry”, which they do, but it’s only because mom or dad made them. Don’t say “I’m sorry” like that. Trust me, there is power in a sincere apology.
Recognize and apologize and the ice you’re standing on will get a little thicker.
A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire. Proverbs 15:1 (MSG)
