Without a doubt, the most common question someone asks when the unexpected happens is, “Why?” It’s personal too, “Why did this happen to me?” It’s as if we think the answer will somehow make it easier to accept. I can assure you, if there was a reason, it won’t make it easier to accept.

Picture a young girl telling her boyfriend their relationship is over. In most situations he’ll want to know why and probably badger her to tell him something. Finally, she relents and shares her feelings that he’s too needy, or too self-absorbed. Do you think he’ll say, “thanks for the information” and walk away. No, he’ll jump into debate mode and try to convince her it’s not true, or he’ll beg for a second chance and ways to fix it.

We do these things because we’re human and when something unexpected and unpredictable happens, the brain hates it. The brain craves certainty and without it life feels out of control. The “why” questions create a deadly spiral that it’s hard to get out of, because you won’t get answers to the questions.

If “Why?” is the wrong question to ask, what should we be asking?

I think “What?” is a better question to be asking. A question containing “what” will cause you to shift your perspective in a different direction which is better for you. Here are three I like.

What do I need to learn from this situation? There is always something we can learn. Maybe you’ll learn you are stronger than you think in managing something very difficult. It could be you learn to be more observant, or more prepared. When sharing a difficult situation with a friend, I asked what I should learn from it. My friend smiled wryly and said, “Work with better leaders.” He went on to say it wasn’t something I did or needed to do but was a result of poor leadership around me. I guess on that day I was reminded of what poor leadership looks like.

What do I need to do next? This question will cause you to focus on options available to you. It will cause you to do some critical thinking. If you recently learned your job was eliminated, your list of what to do next might include updating your resume, filing for unemployment, re-evaluating what family expenses are necessary instead of nice, etc. The process of thinking about what to do next will help move you off of where you, pushing you to do something.

What is within my control? The unexpected teaches us we don’t have control over everything, but we also learn we do have control. While we can’t change what happened, asking this question helps us realize how we respond is within our control. You can choose to be a victim or choose not to be one. It’s in your control. You can choose to be angry and bitter or choose not to be. You have a choice of the words you use in talking about the situation. A friend of mine’s wife asked for a divorce. He didn’t want it and tried to save the marriage but couldn’t. She told everyone she encountered every fault of his. His choice of words was to say nothing publicly.

I’ve learned the hard way that some things, both good and bad, will be a mystery to me. I’m much better to ask a “what?” question to move forward.

Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said: “Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone—while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? Job 38:1-7