It was going to be the first of several meetings, this one with our senior leadership team. I knew the information wasn’t going to be well received. Why? It was about compensation, and no one ever agrees about pay. My organization had recently merged with two others and needed to come together with a common compensation plan for all three organizations. The process, during which I represented our hospital, was a challenge as there would be winners and losers within each organization. I was the messenger and for it to be received, I needed to get everyone in a positive frame of mind, open to listening and learning. I spent $19.99 on a T-shirt with a famous Far Side cartoon showing two deer speaking with each other and one of the deer was looking at a bullseye on his chest. The caption for the cartoon was “Bummer of a Birthmark, Hal!” When I walked into the room with that T-shirt on and sat down, I received plenty of laughs. Those quickly disappeared as I shared the new plan and turned to frustration and anger. It was a meeting where I needed to show great restraint and not be defensive, as those in the room needed to vent and there was nothing I could say that would fix their concerns.

Restraint for leaders is about making certain their voice, in both the choice of and the amount of words, is used as needed. When I was a young leader, I don’t think I did that very well. I incorrectly used my position to let my voice be heard (my opinions which were brilliant) too often, not giving others a chance. Whether my opinions were “on target” or not wasn’t the issue. The challenge was that I was too unrestrained. Speaking up too often kept others from using their voices.

As I matured (a lifelong process), I realized when I allowed others to share their opinions first, often someone or many at the table shared the same opinion as what I would have said. This allowed me to agree with them, which was an affirmation of them, and allowed others in the meeting to come to the same conclusion.

As a leader you must show restraint because everyone is watching you. They take their cue from you about what is acceptable, pleasing or unacceptable. You can’t always say what’s on your mind. Those you lead need the right amount of you in both your presence and words, not too little, not too much.

Learn to say “thank you” when someone shares an idea that’s already been vetted and rejected. Telling them it’s already been thought of, doesn’t help. Also, remember not to overreact (lack of restraint), because it can create panic or fear.

I once worked with a leader who loved new ideas, new initiatives, new programs, etc. She loved creating, but at times overused her creativity. If we were in a meeting discussing the details of something we were rolling out, we didn’t need her creativity. We got it anyway. Instead of holding back she would say, “I know we’re about ready to launch this, but I’ve been thinking, and I wonder if we …”  If she could have only heard the groans, gasps and seen the eyes rolling of everyone around the table, she might have stopped. But since she was the leader, we had to at least give her idea some “airtime” and discuss it. We wasted a lot of time because she couldn’t restrain herself.

A leader who understands restraint will be more impactful and helpful to those around them.

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. Proverbs 10:19 (ESV)