Maria has her head down, working, when she hears a knock on the door.
She looks up. It’s her boss, Bill, who asks to come in. Immediately she thinks to herself, Here he comes again with another last-minute request. Why is he always picking on me? Why doesn’t he go to Brianna or Dewayne? I don’t think he likes me.
As he walks in the office, Bill notices her facial expression but doesn’t react. He wants to deliver his message as quickly as possible and leave so that he doesn’t respond to her obvious displeasure. He says to her, “You know that big interdepartmental meeting tomorrow? I need you to be there to represent our team.”
Maria says, “No problem.” But inside, she’s seething, and it shows. She hates attending because the meeting always runs long and she can’t leave until it’s over, and chances are good she’ll be late picking up the kids. Again.
Bill knows none of this. As he walks away, he thinks to himself, Why does she always make things so difficult and dislike the opportunities I give to her? She’s so good at what she does — and attending this meeting is an honor for her and great exposure. But she never seems receptive when I need her to do something.
Contained in this exchange is something incredibly common in the workplace … and all of life.
Both Maria and Bill read intent into the exchange and neither one of them will ever ask the other person if they’re getting it right.
When we read intent into a situation, it means we believe we understand the other person’s motives. And of course, we always know best, right? Scripture reminds us that it’s not our job to determine other people’s motives:
“All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord” Proverbs 16:2.
The reality is, we can’t possibly know for sure why someone did or said something. Yet we think we do. Reading intent into any exchange will never help — and it’s no way to build a healthy relationship.
The tragedy is, neither Bill nor Maria understood the situation.
Bill isn’t picking on Maria. He respects her abilities, believes she’s talented and wants to provide her with exposure to other leaders. He comes to her for more difficult challenges, times of crisis, or moments he needs someone who can think “big picture.”
Maria isn’t trying to make things difficult, but her frustration shows when someone adds to her workload or makes a last-minute change to her schedule. She wants to plan things out so she can get her work done in time to leave and pick up her children.
When you catch yourself reading intent into someone’s actions, words, or demeanor, stop. Do what we rarely do, ask them about it. Asking will help you learn the other person’s intent or meaning. And it’s effective whether you’re at work, at home, or with friends.
You might ask:
- “Did I hear you say…?”
- “Can you give me the reasoning behind…?”
- “I don’t know that I understood what you said. Could you go over it again?”
- “Why do you think I did that?
Listen to what the other person says. Contained in their answer may be an opportunity for a conversation and a better relationship. If either Maria or Bill had asked about the intent, they would have learned more and strengthened their working relationship.
Don’t read intent into someone else’s actions, instead, ask.