When I work with an organization, I send an advance questionnaire to gather information that will help me learn more about the people and organization I’ll be working with. When I read Bill’s response to a question it made me pause and re-read it. It was so insightful and shaped my work with this organization and for other groups in the future. Bill re-framed our work by asking whether our work was for or with the audience, which were students. Everyone certainly cared about the students, and most would have said they were doing our work for them. Everyone wanted it to be better than it was, to bring new life to it. They weren’t wrong in wanting to do it for them either. The challenge is when you do something for someone, or a group of people, your opinions and ideas tend to take precedence. You feel like you know more than them. You want power and control. When you do something with someone or a group of people, their thoughts and ideas are equal in the equation. You give up or at the very least share the power. It’s a big difference.

Ask yourself the question, do you like it when someone does something for you or with you? I’d prefer to do it with someone. I like the sense of togetherness and there is a better chance it’ll match my expectations.

It’s a small difference, but it’s important. Think of the difference between the golden rule and platinum rule.

The golden rule says, do unto others as you would have them do to you. Simply put, I’ll treat you as I want to be treated. An example of this is I want to be treated with respect, so I’ll treat others with respect. It’s a good rule to live by. I wish more people would live by this rule because if they did, the world would be a better place.

The platinum rule is a twist on the golden rule, taking it a step further in saying we should treat others as they prefer to be treated, rather than how we would like to be treated.

Maybe you’ve never had this happen, but I’ll admit I have it happen many times. I do something for someone that required a significant amount of time and effort, only to find out it wasn’t appreciated at all. Why, because I did what I wanted and thought they needed or would appreciate, not what they wanted.

You may be familiar with Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages, which are:

– Words of Affirmation,
– Quality Time,
– Physical Touch,
– Acts of Service, and
– Receiving Gifts.

All of these are great languages, but if you’re giving the wrong one you’ve missed the mark. Imagine I’m leaving for a golf trip and looking around our home and seeing all sorts of things that need to be done. I don’t want to leave the house a mess when I leave so, I get busy doing these for her. But what if that isn’t what she wants? What if she wants to spend quality time with me before I go, then I’ve not helped and probably made things worse. In this example, I would be doing it for her, not with her. If I did it with her, we’d talk about what she would want and that’s what I’d do.

A couple of years ago I was preparing to lead a group of youth on a servant trip to a place that had many impoverished neighborhoods and was picking the brain of someone who had been there before about the community. She told me a cautionary tale she’d experienced doing for instead of with. She said her group visited the prior year and saw trash, fallen tree limbs on the ground, etc., so they cleaned everything up. After doing what made sense to them to help this community, they learned they hadn’t helped at all and in fact made residents ashamed and angry. She learned later what they really wanted were the tools needed to do the work themselves and be able to keep it up in the future. She said if we had worked with them, instead of doing it for them, it would have been a better outcome. When we did our service work, we asked, and the Pastor we worked with told us exactly what was needed, and we enjoyed doing it with them.

While it may take more time and not be what we originally have in mind, it’s always better to do things with others instead of for them.

 For God is not unjust. He will not forget how hard you have worked for him and how you have shown your love to him by caring for other believers, as you still do. Hebrews 6:10 (NLT)