I’m confident you’ve tried this strategy; I know I have. You may have tried it with someone you worked with, or your brother, sister, sister or brother-in-law. The person and the setting don’t matter. What I do know and am confident of, is that it didn’t work. In fact, it never works, but we keep trying.

Most of us don’t see it as a strategy, because we do it subconsciously. It’s appeasement.

Appeasement is when you make concessions to someone, usually a person who is being aggressive or critical, hoping to gain their goodwill or getting them to stop whatever they were doing.

There are two major problems with appeasement. First, when we do it, we’re sacrificing our own principles, or doing something we don’t want to do, and we know isn’t right. The second is their behavior isn’t a “one time” thing, it happens over and over, it doesn’t stop. While it might change or stop for the moment, it’s short lived, they will do it again and again.

Why? Because their behavior gives them power, it is rewarded, getting them what they want. Is their behavior conscious or subconscious? I don’t know, but what I do know is that each time they are appeased, they feel more emboldened to do it again. People have appeased them over and over throughout their life, rarely does anyone ever say “stop”, this is enough.

Let’s make the appeasement dilemma real with an example.

The bride has chosen a dress for her bridesmaids. It’s a color she loves and a style she believes everyone will be comfortable with. She can imagine pictures of the bridal party and how beautiful they will be. The bridesmaids all seemed happy, except for her older sister. She took the dress and threw it at her younger sister and said, “I will look terrible in this dress. It’s a bad color for me and it won’t make me look good. I won’t wear it.” If you don’t change it to something I like, you can find another bridesmaid.” Off she stormed. Now comes the dilemma. Should the bride appease her sister and change the dress, it’s only a dress, accepting something that isn’t perfect for her day. Or does she say, “no I won’t” and risk damaging the relationship and not having her sister in the wedding? It isn’t an easy decision. And, if you think it’s the first time the older sister has done something like this, I think you are dreaming.

Appeasement dilemmas happen all the time, putting us in a position to “give in”, not making it an issue. It happens with:

• Parents, e.g., I want you and the kids to be with us for Christmas eve, and all-day Christmas day. (What about how we want to spend the holiday, or my spouse’s family?)
• Friends, e.g., I found another great place for us to eat, it’s perfect, I love the food there and I’m sure you will too. (Do they always get to choose; don’t we ever choose?)
• Co-workers, e.g., I know I’m passing this to you late in the day because I’m behind, but you’re so good at finishing things up, just this one time, please. (This isn’t one time, it’s a regular occurrence)

When faced with a dilemma, don’t automatically do what you always do.

You can give in, which is what an appeasing person does, you’ll give in or settle for something you don’t want. Or, before making that choice, ask if you truly believe giving in will make the situation or relationship better? Is it worth it?

The other choice is to say “no”. When you push back, you need to accept the risk of the conflict that will likely follow, which won’t be fun. If you choose to push back, make certain you’re ready for some rough water for a while as it will take time to work through it and get to a better solution.

And be sure to say, ‘Look, your servant Jacob is right behind us.’” Jacob thought, “I will try to appease him by sending gifts ahead of me. When I see him in person, perhaps he will be friendly to me.” Genesis 32:20 (NLT)