Everyone on the floor knew he was a great physician. His patients loved him and his bedside manner with them was great. With the staff who provided the care for his patients, there were much different opinions about him. Why? Because he was frequently sarcastic, or curt in his conversations with them, the nurses and aids who provided the patient care. If there was additional information he needed to know about a patient, he never seemed to want to hear it. If something happened after hours and he needed to be called, it was usually a dreadful call as he made them feel as if it was their fault. When new staff came on board, they were advised to just accept how he treated them and “let it go, it doesn’t last long”. They believed appeasing him was the best method for dealing with him. They hoped he would get better, but of course he didn’t, instead he became worse. Then one day, it happened. No one ever admitted if it was planned or just happened. He was berating a nurse at the nurse’s station regarding something related to one of his patients. Within a minute two more nurses were standing directly behind the nurse he was talking with, followed by some Aids, and then more nurses. Soon there were at least 10 staff members staring at him, standing behind her, while he was talking. He stopped, changed his tone, then walked away. A message had been sent.
I understand why people try to appease someone, after all who enjoys a confrontation. We just want things to calm down. But it doesn’t work. In my experience it becomes worse. The person who appeased is frequently aggressive, maybe even a bully, and the appeasement only makes them more emboldened to continue their behavior because they are never stopped.
British statesman Winston Churchill once accurately described someone who appeases
“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.” – Winston Churchill
How true he was. In the end you’ll get eaten.
Also, when you appease someone, you lose twice. The first loss comes from their actions and how they make you feel. Trust me, it’s a loss. The second comes because we are making concessions on our principles because we know it’s not right.
The opening story is a great example; no one believed the physician’s behavior was appropriate. Their internal beliefs and principles said, “this isn’t appropriate and I wouldn’t do this to anyone.” Instead of acting on those beliefs, they just sucked it up and hoped he would move on quickly.
No matter where you are in your career, I suspect you’ve had a co-worker who was difficult to work with. I imagine you tried to appease by “making nice” in hopes of building a better relationship. Did it work? Maybe, but I doubt it.
Ask any Teacher, and I’m confident they’ve had a parent of a student, who was constantly critical, sometimes even publicly. They probably felt abused. Chances are good, they chose to “turn the other cheek” and not make a scene, hoping it will get better. Seriously, did it?
If appeasement doesn’t work, what’s a good strategy?
Set boundaries. You have the right and responsibility to protect yourself by setting boundaries on what you expect from others.
If it is grossly inappropriate, the boundaries need to go up immediately and say, “Stop, that’s not appropriate, you can’t deal with me in that way.” I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s important to push back.
Most of us will let it go once and chalk it up to the person having a bad day, because deep down we know we’ve probably done something similar on a bad day. But when it happens again, set the boundaries up early and say, “We need to talk about how you speak with me. We can’t continue having conversations where you …”, or “Please don’t treat me that way, I expect …”
When you set up boundaries, they may not immediately stop the behavior or even thank you for saying something. What’s most important is you established a boundary, you sent a message of what is and isn’t appropriate. Then it’s a boundary you will need to continue to defend. If it happens again, you need to remind them of the boundary.
Setting up a boundary isn’t easy, but your chances of success are far better than attempting to appease. Appeasing doesn’t work as a strategy.
Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. Ephesians 4:15 (NLT)
